you're damn right i'm awesome!

you might have heard that i’m kind of competitive. well, it might be true.

• if you've ever run on the treadmill next to me at the gym, you might have noticed me checking out how fast you were going, and then, you might have noticed my dust as i totally ran faster than you.
• if you've ever seen me in the parking ramp, and then i disappeared, and then you noticed me in the lobby before you, that's because i took the stairs and totally ran up them and BEAT you. yes. i'm faster than a rusty elevator/YOU. beeleev dat.

however, i can't think of a better illustration of this (awesome) quality (flaw) than the anecdote that unfolds below...

i gave blood today. i know, totes awesome right? but as much as i’d like to pretend that this is an altruistic gesture, it’s actually another excuse to be competitive and shameless in my quest for attention.

consider this:

in high school, i was on the student government and it was our job to organize and facilitate the blood drives. people who gave blood, like, got attention, cool stickers, snacks(!!) and a legitimate excuse to get out of class. granted, because i was on the committee i would get to miss almost an entire day of class. HOWEVER, because i didn’t “weigh enough,” i couldn’t actually give blood. no snacks, stickers or attention for me. waa.

i used to get so MAD about it. seriously. MAD.

until i started lying about my weight.

and guess what? i gave blood BETTER than most people. what can i say? I have great veins. i don’t cry & complain when they stick the needle in, i’m really FAST, and i’ve been known to go on a bender the evening after giving blood just to “see what the buzz is like when you’re missing a pint*.”

so i’ve been lying about my weight and giving blood ever since the tender age of, ohhh 17.

awesome, right?

so today i lied about my weight, gave a FAT pint of blood (so fat) and finished several minutes ahead of all the slow ass suckers who started BEFORE me. BOO-YA! (those poor bastards didn't even know they were getting schooled, i was that slick and that fast)

so, since the whole point of giving blood is to get attention, i’ve been (naturally) trying to work into my conversations all day.

examples:

ben: ruby, do you think we can touch base about that project around, say, end of day today?

Me: yeah definitely. but you know, cut me some slack. i mean, after all, i did give blood today.

chiropractor: so what’s your major complaint today? neck, shoulders, low back?

Me: actually, my arm is kind of sore on account of me giving all my blood away today. you know, for free.

guy at salad place: wow, that bottled water is so cute. I’ve never seen such a little bottle of water.

me: well, they gave it to me at the blood drive. i know, considering i did probably save a life with all the blood i just GAVE AWAY, they should at least have given me an adult-sized bottle right? but they did give me raisins and pretzels**. so you know, SCORE!

and you get the idea right?

if nothing else, i just walk by people and lift up my sleeve and show them my bandage and shout

“HEY ! i gave blood today, hold the elevator!” etc.

that bandage is pretty lame. last time i gave blood they gave me this:

but you know, whatever.

i did it for the good of mankind (attention whore).

*this is TOTALLY not recommended. however, it is REALLY fun

**worst snack selection at a blood drive EVER... where were the jelly donuts for the love of baby jesus?