karaoke never sounded so... boring.

**american idol recap**

ok. this might have been a really bad idea as in: it's SUPER LONG.

but i did it, so you may as well READ ALL OF IT. READ IT. DO IT.


minute by minute. THE GUYS!!!


first 10 minutes? not interested. let’s get right to the singing, b*tches.

0:11 it’s rudy cardenas up first. He’s cute, polished-looking and seems confident.

he opens his mouth and.... damnit. i really wanted to like this guy. this performance is one of the cheesiest things i’ve ever seen. he’s like a good-looking version of clay aiken. and honey, that’s NOT a compliment. damn. randy says “corny.” drunk paula says “fantastic.” simon says “i’ve never heard you do anything unique.” rudy’s motivated to change, though. good luck with that, rudy aiken. clay cardenas. hilar! (where DO i come up with this stuff!?)


0:16 a trailer for “blades of glory.” will ferrell on a treadmill singing “my humps.” hilar.

0:20 a preview for the SERIES FINALE of the OC. a tear forms in the corner of my eye. i take back all the bad things i ever said about this show. i can't believe it's really going to end. i feel like i did the day melrose place said goodbye. hormonal.


0:21 why does everyone look so GINORMOUS next to ryan seacrest? seriously?

0:22 here comes brandon rogers. again, looks good, polished, has a nice audition blahblahblah.

he opens his mouth and... i can’t remember. i must have dozed off. i dreamed of cheesy camera looks and maybe images of michael jackson floating around, but the singing sounded like bad karaoke. of michael jackson. um.

this is not starting out as i had hoped.

randy says “pitchy,” but i think he means to say “lame.” paula says “great job” and something else i couldn’t quite make out. simon says “you’re a good singer,” but it was safe and predictable. i think these judges saw a different performance than i did. and/or they just stayed awake through it whereas i most def. did not.

seriously? does ryan have the smallest head ever or do all these contestants have GIANT CABEZAS? it’s tripping me out, yo. *reminds self to lay off the mushrooms before watching AI*

0:27 oh god. it’s SUNDANCE HEAD. i’m so over him, and he hasn’t even started yet.

he opens his mouth and... i’m surprisingly intrigued, then i’m in pain, then i’m bored, then i’m confused. i think he “loves me.” but i’m not so much returning the sentiment. thankfully, this was a short song.

judges? randy: “i don’t think you were on pitch the whole song.” paula: “i think you picked the wrong song.” simon: “tonight you were like dad at a wedding.” i love simon.

dude! sundance is shorter than ryan! but still has a bigger head!!!!!!!! totally tripping.


0:36 preview for “drive.” we think we like the looks of this but we aren’t sure yet.

0:37 paul kim! my favorite barefoot asian. um. setting the expectations low... hoping for the best and...

he opens his mouth..... oh. man. really? this seems like karaoke amateur hour. i kind of feel like crying. painful.

judges? randy: “i still see promise.” paula: wants you to kind of ignore tonight’s performance and think about earlier auditions. simon: suggest he put his damn shoes back on. hee.

0:41 ew. ryan has his shoes off too. i wonder if ryan and i are the same size. seriously.


0:42 chris richardson. super cute, but i have no expectations for anyone anymore. i’d be surprised if he was good at this point.

he opens his mouth and... starts out interesting... i think i like. best so far. according to my expert opinion. loving the JT vibe.......yessssss. me definitely likey.

awesome.

judges? randy: “yo man, aite, i feel like the show just started.” me too randy, me too. paula: “i liked how your dad danced on the upbeat when you were on the down beat.” simon: not so much impressed by the vocals, but likes him. cuteness wins. yay.

ryan actually looks KIND OF normal next to chris. and chris’ dad looks a little, uh, red. hee. cute.


0:48 did you know that american idol is sponsored by coca-cola? i had no idea.

0:52 preview for the “wedding bells.” i have several reasons for thinking this is going to be AWESOME. can’t wait.

0:53 it’s time for nick pedro! eh. he definitely has that boston accent going for him... but i’m not so much a crooner fan... hope he mixes his action up

he opens his mouth and... yeah. not doing much for me.

i wonder if i want to put myself through another hour of this.

randy’s not impressed... paula’s bangs are just kind of creeping me out and simon didn’t think it was that bad. aw. simon was nice-ish. sweet.

RYAN AND NICK ARE THE SAME HEIGHT. ryan’s head? still smaller.

1:03 it’s blake lewis time. woo woo!!! he makes me smile.

he opens his mouth and.... i tentatively like what i hear... yeah yeah, i’m feelin’ it. can he pull off a whole performance without any beatboxing, i wonder? beat boxing? beep boxing?

a shot of his weird looking parents? in the audience? yeah don’t show them again. creepy.

i liked it! hoo-ray.

judges???? randy kinda dug it, paula’s bangs enjoyed it, and simon gives him some props for being relevant in this decade, and say best performance so far. well there you go!

blake has a pretty small head, but ryan’s head, still smaller. does this trip anyone else out? do i need to seek help?

1:12 sanjaya! still needs a haircut, but we can actually see his face. so, yay.

he opens his mouth and... yeah. still kind of bored with everyone tonight. it can ONLY get better from here on out, right?


randy doesn’t think it was very good (i concur), paula thinks he’s a sweetheart (tranlsation: bad job, son) and simon says it was the most dreary performance of the night. the good news? if i have trouble going to sleep tonight, i can just play his performance back and it’s lights out, sweetheart.


if sanjaya shaved his head (hilar) he might have a similar-sized head to ryan’s. wait! sanjaya! don’t get any crazy ideas.

do we still have four more of these left? me sleepy.


1:23 JACK OSBOURNE! i mean, chris sligh. he’s silly. and i *think* he can sing. *crosses fingers*

he opens his mouth and.... it starts out like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but then BAM! bam! energy starts flowing.. and then i kind of like it.. and then... i’m suddenly distracted by all the laser beams behind him. oooooh shiny things!!!!!!! *wanders off*

judges? randy kind of liked? sorry im still thinking about laser beams. paula i think liked it too? simon confuses me and seems confused himself. i feel his pain.

chris starts to get sassy, then simon gets mean.... i think he called him a teletubby. and then it just gets awkward. obviously, ryan looks like a midget next to chris. i think he just said we’ll be right back with harry potter.

1:33 another “drive” preview. super!

OH! it’s jared cotter! NOT harry potter! i’m soooo silly! i think i already decided i don’t think he’s very interesting.

he opens his mouth and... actually? not bad. not bad at all. and there aren’t any laser beams to distract me. this music is kind of sexy. like in that let’s make out in the closet in 8th grade kind of sexy. oh wait, does making out in the closet in 8th grade make me seem kind of slutty? forget i said that.

ooh, high note. eeeeiii. my dog woke up from her slumber during that moment. aaaiiiiii.

judges? randy didn’t like the ending (yeah dawg) but overall it was aite, paula... i seriously CANNOT look at her and when she speaks i just glaze over, and simon says the tune was "unadventurous."

(apparently he didn’t “do” 8th grade with the likes of me, did he?)

1:38 A to the J tabaldo

opens the mouth... and.... oh wait! he’s poppin his colla’! that distracts me momentarily, but then i realize the song is really boring and even though he can sing, i start getting really excited for the show to end.

ohhhh judges? all i gleaned from the judges comments is simon comparing it to a theme park performance. i love it when he does that.

final song coming up. thank gawd.


1:48 phil stacey. bald & beautiful (?). something about a baby... blahblahblah.


i kind of have a headache at this point.


he opens his mouth and...i fall asleep.


the end.

ps. chris richardson and blake lewis are my flavs.