many of you know that i've been cursed with being a minnesota sports fan, for, well, my whole life. and just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, our beloved Timberwolves leader, Kevin Garnett, up and moves to freaking Boston. Additionally, my beloved (and always "my heart") Randy Moss has moved from the Raider Nation to New England, where i hear they have a pretty decent team.
dudes, it's NOT FAIR. and i don't want to whine, but i will. NOOOOOOOT FAAAAAAIRRRR!
however, i do take some solace in the fact that i can revel in the misery with my fellow minnesotans. you know, because, misery loves company. i was also weirdly comforted by two posts in the sports guy's mailbag which i shall transcribe for your own misery-laden reading pleasure.
Q: I have been a T-Wolves fan almost my whole life. I was in seventh grade when we drafted Kevin Garnett and he has been my hero ever since. He's the reason I was ever interested in the NBA and I even wore his number throughout my own basketball career. Seeing how Kevin McHale has completely destroyed my hometown team … I'm wondering if per your rules of being a true fan, am I allowed to drop the Wolves in favor of the Celtics? I want to be a real fan, but I have so much respect for KG and very little for the Timberwolves organization. Can I switch teams without being a fraud?--Jenna, St. Michael, Minn.
SG: Absolutely. According to my "20 Rules for Being a True Fan" column from 2002 (which needs to be updated to account for the fact that I've broken at least four of the rules since it was written), one of the addendums in Rule 19 clearly states you can switch teams or renounce a franchise altogether (as I did with the Bruins) as long as "the owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore." In the case of the pathetic T-Wolves, this rule clearly applies. When I write a 2.0 version of the column someday, we need to add an additional rule called "The Ray Bourque Corollary," in which you're allowed to follow your favorite player to another team for the rest of his career, as long as he left because of front-office incompetence and as long as he stuck around as long as he possibly could -- to the point that everyone was imploring him, "GO! JUST GO!" -- before finally asking out of the abyss.
(With that said, I really hope the Minnesota fans give Al Jefferson and Ryan Gomes a chance. Both those guys are good, and both of them give a crap. Please be gentle with them. If there was ever a time when a GM should have slipped on a Robin Williams beard and a cardigan and done the "It's not your fault, it's not your fault" monologue with two players he was trading, it was Danny Ainge with Gomes and Al. Those guys will be heard from on a good team. At some point.)
ruby says: so it's OK if i'm a Celtics AND a Patriots fan this year?
Q: First Ortiz, then Moss, now KG? Boston can kiss my Minnesota ass.--Kevin, Minneapolis
SG: Just wait until we come after Prince, Bob Dylan and the Mall of America. We're not done yet.
ruby says: i mean, come on. this isn't even funny. this just makes me want to stab myself in the abdomen with a syringe full of alcohol and throw my hands in the air and say "I GIVE UP." but i won't.
i'm way too classy.
my heart <3