dear...

dear my pants,



i'm so happy our relationship is back on track. i know i put you through some business here over the past, ohhh i don't know, 9 months or so. and you had every right to be angry with me. but i am back in the saddle now and i don't think i will be falling off the fit wagon anytime soon. i'm really excited about our future together. pants, you complete me. i just feel bad for the dresses & skirts who will now be getting a little less love. they were there for me when you weren't. but i told them this was just a rebound thing. they knew. so their tears are only sort of sad to me. my happiness to be back in you just outweighs their pitifulness. and now: the happy pants dance!



[insert dancing here]



~~



dear james mcavoy,



a classic actor move - a no-show at your own movie screening which was being billed as "an evening with james mcavoy." i know you SAID it was the swine flu that was keeping you away, but i don't know. you're an actor, you're supposed to be good at lying. so how can i be sure you weren't just ACTING sick? right? anyway, you did a great job in the movie, which doesn't surprise anyone. it would have been fun to ask you some jerk questions about your process just to be a douche, maybe next time, "jim." next. time.



~~



dear york peppermint patties,



you are so f*cking delicious to me. i'm starting to crave you more than my cowpals cheese items, of which i have not had ANY for two whole days. NUTS, right? here's the thing sweet little pattie, i like to eat you cold, i like to eat you frozen. i like to eat you slightly warm from sitting in my pants, i like to squish a bite of you between my tongue and the roof of my mouth and let your cool mintiness coupled with dark chocolateness ooze through my tastebuds. i just do. i know i might seem "creepy" or "obsessed" with you and i totally understand that restraining order threat. so i will try to tone it down a bit. but salivating is involuntary, you can't be mad at me for that.



~~



dear the packers and the bears,



it was awesome of both of you to lose the week my beloved vikings had a bye week. you guys our making this year so much fun for us. our position in the NFC North keeps getting better. and better. and better. so anyway, tough break for you (especially YOU packers mwahahahaha) but yay for us. and obviously i'm not getting my hopes up or anything because that would be the act of insane person. but if you guys could keep this type of tomfoolery up for the next.. let's say 8 weeks... that would be bloody brilliant of you. i would totally owe you, like for serious.



~~





dear viggo,



please don't pull a mcavoy and flake on our "date" tomorrow after the screening of the road. i'm really looking forward to hearing about your process and why you chose this script and etc. and then asking you some douchey questions about it. then i'm excited about going out for drinks with you afterwards and talking to you about hooking aaron up with a role wherein he stars alongside you as maybe your younger brother, or somesuch. i think it will be fun. if you show up. which you will. or else.



~~



dear monday,



can we just take a break from you this week? my schedule tomorrow has me in back to back to back to back meetings from 7:30a to 1p and i'd actually really just rather sleep in and then eat patties on the couch all day in my dayjamas. the good news, i will be eating patties on the couch in my dayjamas either way, because it's work from home monday! but the sleeping in part... well.... not so much. well just be kind to me this week, will ya? i know you get a bad rap and i know deep down you really do mean well, but sometimes you just have the undeniable ability to rub people the wrong way. so take it easy on me, yeah? i'll then do my part to help you better your image.



cool.







~~