survivorling.

so here’s what I’m loving about survivor presently.

#1. it’s truly anyone’s game right now. yau is playing with a shrewdness that excites and makes me nervous all at the same time. Boo is dominating the immunity and reward challenges. Just when I think dreamz is totally clueless, he starts talking some mad game that makes me think otherwise. Even though it never works out in dreamz favor, at least he tries. And then earl, well, he’s pretty much the man. Is all. And well, then there’s Cassandra. Necessary, but not really anything to write home about.

#2. yau broke the car curse, maybe. First time anyone has ever given away the car prize, and the first time anyone has ever sent themselves to exile. Yau just doesn’t play by the rules, yo. But I think he knew that by winning the truck he would be essentially sealing his fate (because no one that has ever won the car/truck has ever won the $$mil$$) so he played that brilliantly.

#3. yau and earl. Great team. Brilliant.

I can’t believe the season finale is already here. I am totally loving the final five, boo was definitely a dark horse and Cassandra has been totally flying under the radar, but I think everyone deserves to be there. Sunday can’t get here fast enough.


ps. i'm still sad I’m not going to be on this show next season. Bummed.
pps. did someone get voted off tonight? i can't remember.

they're back! sweet baby jesus, they're back...

ok. first of all let’s just take a moment to toast the return of our favorite show. cheers, i’ll drink to that. *i’ll drink a few to that, yo*


**heroes recap**

so let’s see... where are we? bennett, parkman and radioactive ted are all being held captive by the eeeevil mr. roberts. roberts & friends decide to eff with bennett a little more, apparently, for shits & giggles by having our favorite shape shifter take on the role of “clare.” but bennett smells a rat, and by “rat” i mean “candice.” rat-like indeed. makes it hard to trust anyone, you know? bad deal. not fun.

anyway, magical mind powers allow bennett to “talk” to matt in a distant cell and he walks him through a pretty zesty escape plan. and by “zesty,” i’m talking “awesome.” matt ends up needing BitterTed’s help, but with a little power of ye olde persuasion, ted reluctantly succumbs to matt’s wiley charms and bingo bango, the three horseman have flown the coop. see ya, evil roberts, wouldn’t wanna be ya. now the plan is to take down the dastardly tracking system so they can roam the world a bit more freely, ya heard?

back at grandma mansion, clare’s getting an earful about picking a bad time/place to try and do a little family reunion action. you know, seeing how the world is about to go nuclear any day now, and all. clare is understandably emotional, and predictably teen-angsty about having to travel to stupid paris with her stupid grandma. life sucks! waa. but it gets a little worse when mohinder arrives at the door with peter’s corpse in like, a taxi.. i mean, and you thought YOU were having a bad day!? nathan gallops in soon after and acts appropriately emotional while grandma conspires inappropriately in the shadows. “i know peter’s dead and your long lost daughter is here, but you have an election to win, nathan. let’s try to stay focused here. FOCUS!!”

ohhh grams!

ps. peter lives, thanks to clare’s super-glass-shard-removal-skills. and his hair, post-death? AWESOME.

linderman continues to weave a very tangled web, first, by revealing that he can “heal things” which is a pretty handy power to have in cases where certain exploding mans might need to be revived after blowing up cities, but let’s not count our chickens before they are hatched. linderman has been collecting the artwork and/or crafting this whole scenario bit by bit. so i’m a little confused as to what comes first, the linderman or the exploding man? you know? like is he CREATING this whole thing, or is just following along, like us? [insert confusion here] and like, is he good or evil? [insert more confusion]

anyway, i guess he wants jessica to hand over micah for a very important “job” now that hana has gone AWOL (ps. where the hell is hana??) and since jessica suddenly has a conscience, she responds with a definitive “no” and shakes her booty on out of there. well, you know, whenever there’s trouble, candice is there on the double and so she hands over micah whilst wearing jessica’s shape, which i don’t happen to think is going to end well for candice. i don’t know. unless getting your arms & legs ripped off by a she-animal is a metaphor for things “ending well.”

other items of note:

• sylar kills isaac. we may have seen it coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier to handle. stupid sylar.
• Future Hiro and ando decide to try to find isaac (oblivious to the fact that he may have died five years ago) and run into Future Future Hiro, who, by the way, is looking mightly fine. or, at least, better than Past Future Hiro. it’s little bit awkward, i'm not going to lie.
• i know i’m probably missing some other key moments, but this recap has become long to the point of ridiculum, so i will now open the heroes blargh forum for all two of your insightful insights and comments. so, what are you waiting for? ... GO.

you stink!

well it’s no secret that i think mookie is a few cards short of a full deck. but i guess i also underestimated the relative ignorance of dreamz. or is it brilliance? i really can’t tell. however, the “four horsemen” might have to go down as simply the worst alliance EVER.

in the aftermath of tribal council, mookie is yelling at dreamz for “screwing them both.” but if i remember correctly, it was mookie who voted against the alliance, right? so i get completely lost in his logic. um...huh?

the reward challenge reveals that yau is universally loved, that no one would invite boo over for dinner, and that everyone hates stacy and thinks she smells bad. and also? they never want to see her again after they leave the island. awesome.

cassandra wins by answering every single question correctly, so she takes dreamz, boo and yau on a magical mystery yacht ride with her and sends MOOKIE to exile (hee). earl? gets to stay home and baby-sit the remaining horsemen, apparently. poor earl.

yau and cassandra work on luring dreamz and boo to the dark side, but can see “in their eyes” that they aren’t 100% in. and this is: NOTED. with a capital N. back at camp, dreamz reveals to NON-four horsemen that mookie is going to slip alex the immunity idol so they should counter act this measure by voting for mookie. since dreamz is not so much “good” in the “manipulation department,” as he walks away stacy suggests they counter act the counter action and vote EDGARDO. it seems brilliant, but yet i wonder how stacy all of a sudden became “smart” and “trustworthy.” i missed the part how they went from hating her to having her in their alliance. hm.

anyway, the plan actually works brilliantly and edgardo is COMPLETELY shocked, alex is severely saddened (and now? IDOL-LESS) and mookie looks and feels dumber than ever, if that’s even possible. sorry fellas. rocky and michelle are loving it on the sidelines, however. hee.

oh, and i forgot to mention that OF COURSE yau man wins the endurance challenge. i mean, come on, it’s YAU. (pay up, aaron.)

next week: dreamz attempts to back pedal. yau’s idol is compromised. alex still mistakenly thinks he is running this game. love this show.

merge dynamics

**survivor recap**

the merge episode is always one of the best of the season. this season’s merger dynamics were undoubtedly some of the best ever, considering two immunity idols are in play instead of just one.

i love the dramatic irony in this situation because we know so much that the contestants don’t know. for example, as far as the old moto is concerned, lisi was the only person on ravu who could have feasibly known about and found the idol. they have no idea that she was retarded enough to share the clues or that the tribe members on ravu were retarded enough to let THREE people in on the secret location or that OF ALL THE PEOPLE, mookie finds and thusly gets control of said immunity idol. (that is three strikes for ravu, if you’re keeping track.) seriously, MOOKIE? anyway.

the old ravu has no idea, obviously, that yau man has the idol and that he and earl are in a seemingly air-tight alliance. ravu’s resident idiot is retarded enough to bring dreamz into their alliance by REVEALING that he has the idol, much to the chagrin of ed & alex. MOOKIE! GAH!!! but ed & alex aren’t winning any brilliance contests themselves as they propose to bring stacey into the alliance, which is obviously NOT going to go over well with dreamz. nor mookie, for that matter. but the effects of this remain to be seen.

by the way – this would also have to go in the books as the worst merger celebration EVER, as the contestants soon learn that they are returning to a gutted moto island and NO FEAST awaits their newly formed tribe. so. sad.

so now that we’re all thoroughly confused, it’s time for an immunity challenge. except, as always, nothing is at it seems. the tribe is split in two, and it is revealed that only the losing sub-tribe will be going to council. also? they won’t get to talk to anyone on the other sub-tribe NOR amongst themselves to strategize. d’oh!

so the tribe with yau and earl wins, naturally (because they rock my face off) which means the tribe with dreamz, mookie, alex, michelle and stacey is off to fend for their lives.

this is where it gets dicey. alex actually plays jeff brilliantly by making it totally obvious and clear who he is going to vote for. mookie doesn’t get the memo (i have a feeling most of mookie’s life is this way) and ends up being the only “horseman” to vote against the alliance. *sigh*

anyway, sadly, my good friend michelle is sent packing which will definitely compromise my earl/yau alliance and keep me on the edge of my seat in the upcoming eps. and since that’s why i love this game... well, then, yay!

next week – mookie gets called out for the dumbass he is. F*CKING MOOKIE! ahh. in other news, dreamz is totally growing on me. who woulda thunk it!?

genius!

we didn't get home until past midnight on sunday night, so i didn't get to watch entourage until last night. i'm so glad this show is back. i just love it so.

so... where are we...

drama is emerging as a definite favorite of mine (and aaron's). he's totes hilar, and effortlessly so. i actually find him to be funny of the laugh-out-loud variety. a rare find.

then there's sweet little turtle, who somehow pulls off an ingenius birthday party situation for vince. sponsored by victoria's secret, carvel, skyy..... loves it. it was so wrong it was actually... right. i nearly spit out my water when they had vince pose with a bottle of skyy whilst blowing out his birthday candles. so great.

vince is just ehhhhh vince, as usual. he's a lot like a president - just a figurehead whose worth is extracted from the company he keeps. his loyal followers need him, but moreso because they need something to believe in more that they actually need him for him. knowwhutimsayin?

and then the lovely E. still has his "little man complex and wants to fight." but he seems so much more chill, for some reason. he's missing the E-fire a little. i was definitely wanting a little more sloan in this epi. love her.

and then there's the battle royale: ari vs. amanda. i'm totally rooting for ari. amanda is just kind of whatever and ari's so ari. LOVES ME SOME ARI. sorry amanda, but you gotsta go. i totally have faith that mr. gold's going to pull some TRUE GOLD right outta his arse.

it's gonna be a good time this season, i can taste it.

d.e.l.i.r.

survivor rocks.

it just does. i’m really sad that i’m not going to be on it next season. i would have kicked some major ass, you know? not to brag, but i would have. it’s totally easy to say that now that i know i’m not going to be cast (but whatever).

there’s something pretty magical about watching yau and earl these days. it conjurs up feelings of last season’s yul/ozzy razzle/dazzle. almost, but not quite. no one PHYSICALLY played the game like ozzy, in my opinion. and also? no one has had better hair. it’s important to have good hair in this game. and no one, NO ONE is as ripped as YUL. 'nuff said.

anyway, earl OWNED the reward/dance competition whilst yau freaking OWNED the immunity/bullseye challenge. i’m not going to say i was actually clapping and raising the roof while i watched, but, um, i was clapping and (maybe a little bit) raising the roof.

this season is almost going too well at this point. for instance: last week i was like, i’d love to see rocky shut the eff up. suddenly? rocky’s toast. this week i was like, if lisi leaves in a cloud of dust, i’ll eat this hot tamale off the floor. consider that hot tamale: eaten. mmmm hot tamales.

so anyway, i sometimes have magical moments during survivor where i’m like wow, it just really doesn’t get much better than this, does it? and i turn to whomever is in the room with me with a sh*t-eating grin on my face and i say as such and then realize shortly thereafter: i’m being ridiculous. but!? it doesn’t matter. because at THAT moment? it doesn’t get any better than that. it just doesn’t get any better.

speaking of those moments, i had that during the amazing race a week ago when i realized that the midget/cousin team was kicking some SEVERE ass and it was such a mind-blowing coup that i honestly sat there, slack-jawed for more than twenty minutes pondering the awesomeness of it all while aaron had to clean my drool up off the floor. i was THAT in awe of the awesomeness.

hey! i’m going to start a new saying for myself.

"i put the awe in awesomeness."


don’t be jealous.

it’s at this point that i realize the quantity of wine that i’ve had divided by the amount of food i’ve had multiplied by the idea that tomorrow morning i’m off to ski for the first time in 16 years has made me DELIRIOUS. and, as such, i’m making like a baby and heading the eff out.

TEAM EARL/YAU FOREVER.

on paper, looks good.

** Survivor Recap**






the thing i most love about survivor is that just when you think you kinda have it all figured out and you think it’s going to get semi-predictable, they up and change the whole crazy game on you. and last night was that moment.

the “reward challenge” turns out, is “drop your buffs” time with ed & earl getting the tribe-selector-honors. ed’s tribe ends up being 100% beef and consists of all you *think* you ever wanted in a tribe: ed, alex, rocky, dreamz and mookie. oh. and anthony. i think rocky says it best when he observes that “on paper, we’re like a superpower. i ain’t gonna lie, we look pretty good.” or something to that effect. and! they’re modest too.

ok so, that leaves earl, boo, stacy, cassandra, michelle and yau man on the other tribe. guess who didn’t get picked? yep that’s right. everyone’s favorite mullet-face-‘vivor-tard, LISI. she’s so dumb, she’s almost brilliant. she essentially thinks because she didn’t get picked, she is going home, and reveals that she would be cool with that.. but then jeff informs her she’s going to exile and will still be playing the game (dumbass) and she’s all awwww shit. anyway, jeff is like dude, go to exile and get your stupid head on straight. i love it when probst unleashes the sass.

now, it’s tribe buff selection time. ed selects orange, so the sausage fest is the new ravu. d’oh. moto island is still phat island, which then means that yau man, michelle and earl are now going to get a taste of the goooood life while alex, ed & deamz are now going to be slumming on ghetto island. hee. so juicy i can hardly stand it.

back at ravu, life is certainly, um, weird. anthony’s deep-seeded aversion to removing his shirt around Men is revealed, and you can’t help but feel super sorry for him as he waxes nostalgic about his Life as a Nerd. meanwhile, all the Men go off to grunt, hunt and fish leaving anthony to tend to the whining, cooking and cleaning. then the editing is so weird and eerie that i feel like it’s going to turn into a Lord of the Flies situation... but no, it’s just some scheming and suddenly, with the help of the Most Manliest Men (Ed & Alex) FISH ARE CAUGHT and FOOD IS SERVED. rocky’s face starts looking EXACTLY like one of the fish they caught and i start to get confused as to whether rocky is talking or a fish. either way, it’s a blowhard.

so..... ... there is a huge build-up about how awesome ravu is now and how they are sooo going to kick major ass which can only lead to one result: they lose the immunity challenge. in a very anti-climactic tribal council, anthony gets the boot, but at least they had us thinking for one split second that it might be rocky. anyway, i don’t think anyone but anthony cares about anthony leaving, but the moral of the story is: just because you’re a man it does not mean you are automatically awesome. isn’t that the moral? i don’t know. i remember laughing a LOT during this episode but i was also pretty high on thai curry. so there you go.

maybe i'm amazed.

so i find out that my sister-in-law is going to be in the audience of american idol, you know, “promoting” the wedding bells, so this information forces me to lift my imaginary boycott of the show and watch for her lovely face in the crowd. turns out? this was the best show so far this season, which basically means i wasn’t bored to tears and/or throwing things at my TV. and, indeed, i was mostly entertained.

so the theme was brit pop, i suppose. two people i’ve never heard of and will likely never see again are on hand to coach. some dude named peter noone for the boys and “lulu” for the girls. it seems unfair, in a way to have separate coaches, especially since this noone character seems to be the low rent version of simon, but whatever.

so haley comes out in some shorty shorts and proceeds to shake what her mama gave her as she meanders through “tell him.” i guess it was aite, nothing special, but my favorite part was when they panned to the wedding bells cast and they were laughing hysterically as haley shook herself in their faces. the judges were cool with it. oh, and this sets up what i like to call “i think i was on crack or something.” because i think i disagreed with the judges on, like, every performance. actually? i was hopped up on allergy meds and watching post-yoga. this is typically a comatose situation.

so chris r. sings a ballad called something or other, and as much as i really, really want to like it , i don’t. it’s nasally and boring and forced and what? the JUDGES LOVED IT. i don’t get it. but i still loves me some chris r, so whatever. and! he is still 100% less scary than sanjaya, so i hope he stays.

when stephanie came on, i took the opportunity to leave the room and microwave something. anything. she bores me. maybe she was good bu i wouldn’t know either way. something got microwaved though, i’ll tell you that much.

and then blake. ooohhhhh blake. i did like this performance mostly. he sang “time of the season” and smeared his blakeness allll over it. but he let me down on those notes where i wanted him to hit a homerun, and he just, like, bunted his way onto first base. i melted a little when he sang the “who’s your daddy” part of the song. it was just so, blake, you know? who is YOUR DADDY? blake lewis, b*tches. anyway. JUDGES LOVED IT. didn’t even mention the weaknesses about it. i think they have a clear agenda, and mostly, i’m glad that they are pining for my boys chris r & blake. but huh. HUH, i say.

lakisha comes out in bling bling and sings “diamonds are forever,” which, again, i liked a lot but the judges WEREN’T feeling it. huh? really??? ok. well. um.

ps/ am i on crack?

then, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER ,i actually liked Phil as he sings "Tobacco Road." and the judges? NOPE. i daresay they HATED it. wtf is wrong with me? or? is it them? i’m so confused now.

jordin sings "i who have nothing" and gave me the actual CHILLS, it was so good. the judges, thankfully, agreed with me, yet simon felt like jumping of a bridge when it was over because it was “sung beautifully, but it was soooo glooooomy.” oh, simon.

aaron leaves the room momentarily and i reveal to eddie that i think i have a crush on simon.

eddie rolls eyes.

then something really upsetting happens. sanjaya explodes onto the stage singing “you really got me” and actually has personality and isn’t super boring and creepy for once, but i’m still cringing for no apparent reason through the whole thing. meanwhile, there’s been this super weird crying girl in the audience the whole show and they keep showing her BAWLING her head off and it’s so upsetting and weird and comical and creepy that i just keep kicking at the TV hoping the whole thing will just end already.

yes. i was kicking at the tv, what?

and at the end, they tell sanj to go over and give ‘er a hug and she cries even harder and WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HER SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ALREADY? this girl is effing nuts!

gina’s next with “paint it black.” I? love it. the judges? hate it. uhhhhhhhhh. at this point i agree to disagree with them. it’s cool. THEY are the crazy ones, uh, not ME.

chris sligh is up next with a zombies song called “she’s not there”, and try as he might to delight the Crowd, he falls short the Me. i had some love for ya sligh, right up until the words FRO PATRO left your mouth. now, we’re through. judges kinda liked him though. of course they did.

melinda closes with a mostly boring but well-sung performance of “as long as he needs me” and at this point i realize they aren’t going to be actually talking to my sis-in-law in the audience and thusforth i am tuning out. as for melinda? i think i kinda liked her, i think the judges really liked her. whatever.

i have absolutely NO idea who goes home tonight. none.

crazy is as crazy does.

**24 recap**

so i was all excited, obviously, for the appearance of the ricker on last night’s episode. but...it just goes to show you that the best kind of expectations are low ones, because then you don’t set yourself up for disappointment.

so his performance? was ok. kind of like, ehhh.

i am interested in finding out what kind of shenanigans went down between mike doyle & milo ... but i’m hoping the ricker chills out a bit and maybe gets a little tan or something. looking a little pale.

what i really liked about last night was the return of martha and... AARON. dun dun dun. i guess it’s not too surprising that they are shacking up, i mean, last season the chemistry between them was pretty intense. but it was still weird to see them “together.” and also? super awkward when martha asks logan how it feels to see them as such. um, bad? oh and aaron’s got a hot new ‘do. is it orange? yellow? not sure. aaron’s trying to look sexy for his first lady, natch. i was actually stunned when martha stabbed him... she plays crazy really well. wow.




overall it was a good episode and thank gawd because i am already having heroes withdrawls so 24 is going to have to step it up in the interim.

an actul recap-y recap here

rocks for brains.

**survivor recap**





so i watched survivor after attending two happy hours (both on the west side!), so if i’m a little fuzzy on the details, blame it on captain chardonnay and sargeant tiredhead.


ravu is not looking good at all. even though they managed to avoid tribal council last week, they are still really weak and tired and hungry. rocky has a wide-eyed look on his face at all times, and i’m half-expecting him at any moment to drop down on all fours and start chewing on sticks and howling at the moon. yau man confides in his man, earl, that he has a solid list of clues and maybe they can callaborate to get this damn idol out of the sleeping area? so earl hooks a little brother up by taking the tribe on a wild goose chase for um? scenic views of the island? but not actual food? slick, earl, slick.

but, alas, the yauster is muy unsuccessful and the hidden idol remains true to its name. um, hidden. the yauster. does anyone else think i’m hilarious besides myself?

there was some montage about how rita and michelle like to talk about lip gloss or something and it bores the ever living shit out of the guys. and then there’s tree mail and its a bunch of pictures of things they may NEED and things they may WANT. rocky tries to convince the tribe that they should get the delicious chocolate cake, instead of you know, fishing gear or something. rocky’s losing his mind, right?

the reward challenge involves a really really sad sumo match where ravu’s lack of energy is actually painful. the only ravu tribe member to actually win one of the matches was effing YAU MAN, people. YAU MAN. the greatest part of that (besides how unassumingly awesome yau man can be in weird moments) is that he beats stacy. which was good. because, as it turns out? she’s a total bitchface. which we learn back at moto while they enjoy the fruits of yet another win. also a bitchface? lisi. but we already knew that one. alex & edgar start to think about actual strategy instead of stuffing their faces for once, and decide to think a little into the future about what might actually happen in a merger if they keep alienating dreamz and cassandra. who, incidentally, are already planning to flip upon a merge. SHOCKING.

moto wins the challenge (again, shocker) and so ravu is left to decide who goes and they actually surprise me by getting rid of rita instead or worthless anthony. they are all crazy.

like a parasite

***heroes recap***




ok, so this was the last new episode we’ll see until the end of april. as a result, 839,543 things happened and i’m still trying to sort it all out. BEAR with me, ya’lll.

when we last left off, HRG was getting a bullet in the stomach and his brains cleaned out by the haitian. now the haitian and claire are on the lam and it looks like they’re going to leave the country. that is, until claire tries to pull a fast one at the airport and makes a detour to grandma’s house and is, ultimately, BUSTED when she realizes the haitian figured out her plan and was waiting there with grams. but hey, it’s a heart warming reunion. turns out grams was in on this little game all along.

meanwhile... HRG and mrs. bennet are trying to sort out who remembers what and are staying in a hotel because of the flooded basement (?) and it’s a vacation of sorts but they wish claire was there but too bad, she’s at “cheerleading camp.” we learn quickly that mrs. bennet remembers some choice items that HRG revealed to her the day before, before he had the haitian pull a mr. clean on his skull. he even wrote himself a note in his handwriting just in case. clever. it all seems to be going great at hotel bennet until there’s a knock at the door and it’s.... a bad actress. and also? the NEW HERO. and she’s got a little mission for HRG. and her name is candace? i guess?



so back at isaac’s pad, simone’s still allegedly dead and even though we saw her looking very undead in the previews for this week, confusion abounds. the police show up to investigate an anonymous tip (thanks to the petrelli bros.) and suddenly a very alive simone walks through the front door and wants to know what all the fuss is about. after the police realize it’s some sort of misunderstanding and leave, “simone” shapeshifts into CANDACE. ah ha! so simone is still totally dead, but candance is totally a shapeshifter. but still? a bad actress. i guess you can’t have it all.

hiro has some trouble trying to get to linderman’s sword in vegas, and during his attempt to get the sword, some guy triggers the security button and it looks pretty bad, but then it all ends well when “security” shows up and it’s ando! and he’s there to save the day! hiro FINALLY gets his powers back just in time to thwart some thugs and he teleports ando and himself into the very bleak future, where it looks like some gnarly shit just went down. dang. double dang.



turns out nathan is working with the FBI, jessica is hot in his tail and and i am bracing myself for another sick jessica murder but, thank god, niki has taken over and nathan is set free to go get linderman himself. he finds him and... oh wait it’s malcolm mcdowell.. and he knows all nathan’s secrets and looks like no one is going to have to die in this kitchen, today. *phew*




meanwhile, mohinder’s totally discovered that sylar is a lying, murdering bastard and drugs him with some chai latte. personally i would have used something stronger. maybe a valium, even. because it turns out? chai doesn’t do much to dilute sylar’s powers. eventually peter shows up and when he feels a bit o’ blood dripping from the ceiling ONTO HIS FACE, he looks up and sees mohinder all tacked up there and it looks pretty unsavory.



sylar’s waiting in the shadows with baited breath, and before you know it, he’s got our favorite hero up against the wall and he’s.... oh no..... he’s totally slicing open peter’s head.


[source]


this does not look good.

TO BE CONTINUED... IN APRIL.... ahhhhhhhh

some people get kicked off american idol.

i'm not going to attempt to recap AI's elimination episode from last night because, well, i didn't watch it. but i did read this and felt like i was there. so you know, check it out.

ps. america is awesome for keeping anotonella. and by awesome i mean "drunk and horny."

the suck continues. or does it?

** survivor recap **

bad news, my friends. papa smurf cannot recover from what looks like a super severe case of the spins, and it's bon voyage for him. everyone seems to feel pretty bad, except lisi who views him as a giant baby that she doesn't want to have to babysit. aw, isn't she (and her hot red mullet) sweet? i'm a little confused as to what she brings to this super solid alliance of five on moto, because as far as i can tell, she's a whiny, jealous heartless mulletface. but that's just me. oh, and she sucks at the challenges too. but hey, maybe she's good at massages. nope, nope not that either. *scratches head*

ok, so ravu cannot pull its collectives head(s) out of its ass(es) enough to win a challenge. rocky goes on a slight rampage after the reward challenge which would have actually been really funny if i didn't think he was being serious about knowing, like, 40 homeless people that weigh 40 pounds more than him. or something like that. he also makes anthony cry, which, i have to admit, was pretty funny. in other news, mookie is totally hungry.

so instead of moping around, rocky decides to lighten the mood a bit by gettin' nekkid (AWKWARD) and then, after gentle coersion from the tribe, decides to get dressed in a bikini top compelete with coconut boobs. and he actually looks pretty hot. and then, shows up at the immunity challenge in drag. maybe rocky isn't the smartest survivor ever, but he sure knows how party. (that's what she said)

so anyway, it looked really promising for a moment for ravu during the immunity challenge, but then i guess i'm going to blame anthony's inability to do anything right for the ultimate loss. HOWEVER... a crazy twist in the game forces moto to decide between their camp o' luxury and immunity and camp o' luxury *gasp* WINS. this, just after alex was complaining about how gary leaving makes the number(s) game almost equal. i'm not sure i disagree with the idea of not giving up the luxury, but i'm not going to say this was a "smart" move. especially because they end up voting out one of their stronger tribe members (WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE GOOD AT MASSAGES AND FLIRTING) and keep one of their more worthless, albeit sweet, ones.

so even though ravu loses, they still kinda win. hey, that's neat. oh yeah, and up next, watch out for slippery little yau man to find the idol.... just sayin.

the girls can sing, but let's see, does anyone care?

**American Idol - GIRLS - "recap"**



i'm glad most of the girls are good. i really am. but i can't really be bothered to recap the whole thing.

so here's what i remember: lakisha, melinda and the short-haired lady were good. antonella and some other white girls were OK. but all i could think about was: antonella! what does your MOMMA THINK?

and then i thought "is it friday yet?"

the end.

comic relief on the mystery van.

**LOST RECAP**





i'm so glad this episode happened.

let's be honest though, the back story rated a high 7 on the EHHHH meter. EHHHHH. but you know, cheech was in it. CHEECH! but the whole mom having needs and cheech being a suckass dad and more of hurley moaning about his horrible luck? yeah, i was over all of that. give me this episode sans back story, and we've got the semblance of a winner.

to recap: sawyer & kate return to the island and the regular favs plus the random extras (that sometimes get lines they inevitably butcher and float in and out of episodes) were there to greet them. kim is learning english which results in high hilarity when sawyer gets ahold of him. desmond is kinda broody, charlie is kinda mopey (per usual) and hurley is all about a finding the source of a dead skeleton arm with a lucky rabbit's foot 'round it's crispy wrist. thanks to vincent's super sniffer skillz, that is. and locke & sayid are, unfortunately, all too quiet until the very end.

so the main character of this episode is ACTUALLY the mystery van (a la little miss sunshine). hurley finds it when he follows vincent the dog (i feel i have to qualify who the hell vincent is because he's been missing from my psyche for 8 years). so, there’s an overturned VW/dharma bus thing with a crispy-fried "roger workman" at the helm. i can’t believe they didn’t find this earlier, because hurley barely breaks a sweat following vincent to it, and i have to imagine hurley doesn’t go very far very fast and it just seems like it’s in a location close to camp and well.. ok i’m over that plot hole. where were we? hurley finds a bus, but can’t turn it over himself so... he enlists a naive kim to help him on this seemingly ill-fated mission, and they decide to remove/decaptiate roger's skeleton in the process. eventually sawyer arrives to make the van mission a little more fun. and then they all drink some beer they found in the old musty van (ew) and it's all fun and games until charlie arrives to make this a little more serious. and now it's time to muster up a lil faith and get this rusty bucket movin'.

with a little faith, elbow grease and EXTREME DISBELIEF SUSPENSION, the van gets growling and they all go for a joy ride. it sounds a hell of a lot worse than it actually was, i promise. i liked the idea of hope, is all. WHAT? i’m a sap. sue me!

ok ... so the van works, hurley and charlie don’t die despite everyone expecting/wanting them to and etc.

back to kate.. she’s gone on a solo mission to “get help” which we can all guess is going to be the french woman who might have a name but its been so long since we’ve seen her i can’t remember what it is. so yeah, kate goes to find help, locke & sayid trail her and it turns out... yes, yes, it’s the french woman. and why would she want to help kate locate the CAMP OF THE OTHERS? because she thinks the young girl, alex, IS PROBABLY THE FRENCH WOMAN’S DAUGHTER. i totally saw this coming, but i’m also a psychic that gets paid to tell people what they want to hear, so you can just do with all that whatever you want.


ps. LOST + WINE = AWESOME.

bring it to the yard, boys

**top 10 AI male finalists - performance recap**


the bad, boring or otherwise not memorable: phil stacey s(t)ings his way to a snoozer, brandon rogers laupers a song from the heart and ends up kind of looking kind of dumb and then a little dumber and sanjaya looks like a little kid in his dad's clothes (randy's comment, not mine). i think sanjaya and phil are in the most trouble.

the not horrible, but ehhh: i think AJ had nice tone, but i'm not feeling it, dawg. and jared cotter was aite, you know, but i think he needs to bring it up a notch (love boat, hee!) and i was pleasantly surprised by nick pedro, but pedro on a good day is still just kind of ehhhh. not bad though... i think all three are safe. (points to nick for throwing the "vote for pedro" in there during the call-in portion, niceee)

the good: chris sligh was sweet and contemporary (points for bringing the ray lamontange action) but, weirdly and unfortunately, did not make his wife cry (but my eyes were wellin, so there you go, chris) and SUNDANCE head, of all people, was actually quite entertaining. SUNDANCE HEAD. that name seriously kills me. (ps. am i mean if i say his baby is kinda funny-looking? ok i won't say it)

the FABULOUS: i said it last week and i'll say it again: blake lewis & chris richardson are the mans. love these guys. they are totally fresh, original and ADORABLE. better yet? now i'm actually EXCITED about some of the contestants. f yeah!

the guys did much better than last week, overall. thank gawd.

next up: the LADIES. and! also! what are they going to do about antonella's SCANDAL!? stay tuned...

company man

**heroes recap**

OK – so a lot happened in this episode and it’s going to be tricky to get it all wrapped up nice and neat, but im a gonna try. just for you. because that’s how much i care.
ok. um. dude, that was a crazy episode. lots of answers, which is awesome. but whoa!! hold the press, we’ve got a live one here.

let’s start at the beginning.

the episode starts out with ted & matt’s perspective on the bennett household shakedown, where they break in and start looking through HRG’s stuff to find some answers, damnit.

(am i crazy or was hana with them last week? don’t answer the “am i crazy” part of that question)

so they want the goods, but chances that HRG has left revealing files around for their reading pleasure is: highly unlikely. but ted’s on the case, “if we can’t look inside his files, there is somewhere else we can look --INSIDE HIS HEAD.”

bennett and family arrive and crazy ted and rationale matt try to figure out a copasetic course of action, but due to ted’s inability to remain calm, things get a lil complicated.

ted reminds me of the incredible hulk. YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE HULK ANGRY.. HULK MEAN WHEN HIM ANGRY.

~~black & white flashback time~~

ERIC ROBERTS appears and, i guess, he’s HRG’s boss. and he looks... ummm, well let’s say he’s interesting-looking and leave it at that. he’s the man of this operation and he’s got some plans for HRG. also in flashback format: a sharp-looking claude and! hiro’s DAD. good. it’s not a party without papa hiro. and then we’ve got mini-hiro, baby claire and at some point we even have teenage haitian, complete with iconic necklace (a la jessica’s tattoo). i love how they can all speak japanese. bad ass.

are you following all of this?

MR. ROBERTS instructs HRG to take the baby, and whatever he says HRG’s gonna do. that’s just how it is, folks. ok so – the deal is if claire “manifests” HRG has to give her up. which is why he’s been lying and mind-melting and etc. all these years. to protect the family, DAMNIT. you can’t help but kind of adore HRG in this episode. now that we know he isn’t well, evil. Ok ... so... he’s not evil but... then, um, HRG shoots claude because he’s been hiding claire or something, i’m not sure, and claude obviously doesn’t die, but he does pull a vanishing act on a bridge.

back to the future...

matt’s trying to get into HRG’s head, and, i gotta admit the old “thinking in japanese” trick is pretty slick. i havent used that in years. then everyone starts getting up in everyone’s heads and then ted has his gun on mama bennett and then, well, per HRG & claire’s request... matt shoots claire to thwart ted’s intentions. pretty intense. PRETTY INTENSE. i love the mind tricks. good times.

so matt & HRG take claire upstairs so that no one has to “see her like that” and then they lay out a much more logical course of action wherein HRG says “do what i SAY so nobody gets hurt.” and to matt “YOU do what i THINK.” i totally loved that line. it loses it’s effectiveness on paper, but it was good. trust me.

OK so, matt & HRG are off to the paper factory to find some TRUTH and HRG yells at the haitian (who used to be mute, but isn’t, but has always been erasing claire’s mom’s memories, turns out), they all go back to the house where claire’s had an unsuccessful escape situation, and ted is stewing in his radioactive fumes... HRG tries to calmly have a dialogue with ted, and then ERIC ROBERTS shows up AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE ARM.. so... radioactive ted goes nuclear and.. yet, doesn’t die. claire gets a little crispy though. and the house is pretty much, well, TOAST.
AND ALL THE NEIGHBORS ARE WATCHING. the haitian is gonna be busy. ps. claire’s brother? worthless and lame.
cut to primatech and ted & matt are all “under wraps” and “gettin’ probed” (i might have made that up) and im still kind of confused about what’s going on, but it looks like HRG is supposed to bring claire back to get into ERIC ROBERTS’ good graces and instead of doing that, he kind of just has the haitian shoot him in the lower stomach. on the left side. it’s better that way.

then? tears, confusion and.... of course ... TO BE CONTINUED.

[source]

american idol: the girls

i'm going to let the professionals handle this one: american idol recap

karaoke never sounded so... boring.

**american idol recap**

ok. this might have been a really bad idea as in: it's SUPER LONG.

but i did it, so you may as well READ ALL OF IT. READ IT. DO IT.


minute by minute. THE GUYS!!!


first 10 minutes? not interested. let’s get right to the singing, b*tches.

0:11 it’s rudy cardenas up first. He’s cute, polished-looking and seems confident.

he opens his mouth and.... damnit. i really wanted to like this guy. this performance is one of the cheesiest things i’ve ever seen. he’s like a good-looking version of clay aiken. and honey, that’s NOT a compliment. damn. randy says “corny.” drunk paula says “fantastic.” simon says “i’ve never heard you do anything unique.” rudy’s motivated to change, though. good luck with that, rudy aiken. clay cardenas. hilar! (where DO i come up with this stuff!?)


0:16 a trailer for “blades of glory.” will ferrell on a treadmill singing “my humps.” hilar.

0:20 a preview for the SERIES FINALE of the OC. a tear forms in the corner of my eye. i take back all the bad things i ever said about this show. i can't believe it's really going to end. i feel like i did the day melrose place said goodbye. hormonal.


0:21 why does everyone look so GINORMOUS next to ryan seacrest? seriously?

0:22 here comes brandon rogers. again, looks good, polished, has a nice audition blahblahblah.

he opens his mouth and... i can’t remember. i must have dozed off. i dreamed of cheesy camera looks and maybe images of michael jackson floating around, but the singing sounded like bad karaoke. of michael jackson. um.

this is not starting out as i had hoped.

randy says “pitchy,” but i think he means to say “lame.” paula says “great job” and something else i couldn’t quite make out. simon says “you’re a good singer,” but it was safe and predictable. i think these judges saw a different performance than i did. and/or they just stayed awake through it whereas i most def. did not.

seriously? does ryan have the smallest head ever or do all these contestants have GIANT CABEZAS? it’s tripping me out, yo. *reminds self to lay off the mushrooms before watching AI*

0:27 oh god. it’s SUNDANCE HEAD. i’m so over him, and he hasn’t even started yet.

he opens his mouth and... i’m surprisingly intrigued, then i’m in pain, then i’m bored, then i’m confused. i think he “loves me.” but i’m not so much returning the sentiment. thankfully, this was a short song.

judges? randy: “i don’t think you were on pitch the whole song.” paula: “i think you picked the wrong song.” simon: “tonight you were like dad at a wedding.” i love simon.

dude! sundance is shorter than ryan! but still has a bigger head!!!!!!!! totally tripping.


0:36 preview for “drive.” we think we like the looks of this but we aren’t sure yet.

0:37 paul kim! my favorite barefoot asian. um. setting the expectations low... hoping for the best and...

he opens his mouth..... oh. man. really? this seems like karaoke amateur hour. i kind of feel like crying. painful.

judges? randy: “i still see promise.” paula: wants you to kind of ignore tonight’s performance and think about earlier auditions. simon: suggest he put his damn shoes back on. hee.

0:41 ew. ryan has his shoes off too. i wonder if ryan and i are the same size. seriously.


0:42 chris richardson. super cute, but i have no expectations for anyone anymore. i’d be surprised if he was good at this point.

he opens his mouth and... starts out interesting... i think i like. best so far. according to my expert opinion. loving the JT vibe.......yessssss. me definitely likey.

awesome.

judges? randy: “yo man, aite, i feel like the show just started.” me too randy, me too. paula: “i liked how your dad danced on the upbeat when you were on the down beat.” simon: not so much impressed by the vocals, but likes him. cuteness wins. yay.

ryan actually looks KIND OF normal next to chris. and chris’ dad looks a little, uh, red. hee. cute.


0:48 did you know that american idol is sponsored by coca-cola? i had no idea.

0:52 preview for the “wedding bells.” i have several reasons for thinking this is going to be AWESOME. can’t wait.

0:53 it’s time for nick pedro! eh. he definitely has that boston accent going for him... but i’m not so much a crooner fan... hope he mixes his action up

he opens his mouth and... yeah. not doing much for me.

i wonder if i want to put myself through another hour of this.

randy’s not impressed... paula’s bangs are just kind of creeping me out and simon didn’t think it was that bad. aw. simon was nice-ish. sweet.

RYAN AND NICK ARE THE SAME HEIGHT. ryan’s head? still smaller.

1:03 it’s blake lewis time. woo woo!!! he makes me smile.

he opens his mouth and.... i tentatively like what i hear... yeah yeah, i’m feelin’ it. can he pull off a whole performance without any beatboxing, i wonder? beat boxing? beep boxing?

a shot of his weird looking parents? in the audience? yeah don’t show them again. creepy.

i liked it! hoo-ray.

judges???? randy kinda dug it, paula’s bangs enjoyed it, and simon gives him some props for being relevant in this decade, and say best performance so far. well there you go!

blake has a pretty small head, but ryan’s head, still smaller. does this trip anyone else out? do i need to seek help?

1:12 sanjaya! still needs a haircut, but we can actually see his face. so, yay.

he opens his mouth and... yeah. still kind of bored with everyone tonight. it can ONLY get better from here on out, right?


randy doesn’t think it was very good (i concur), paula thinks he’s a sweetheart (tranlsation: bad job, son) and simon says it was the most dreary performance of the night. the good news? if i have trouble going to sleep tonight, i can just play his performance back and it’s lights out, sweetheart.


if sanjaya shaved his head (hilar) he might have a similar-sized head to ryan’s. wait! sanjaya! don’t get any crazy ideas.

do we still have four more of these left? me sleepy.


1:23 JACK OSBOURNE! i mean, chris sligh. he’s silly. and i *think* he can sing. *crosses fingers*

he opens his mouth and.... it starts out like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but then BAM! bam! energy starts flowing.. and then i kind of like it.. and then... i’m suddenly distracted by all the laser beams behind him. oooooh shiny things!!!!!!! *wanders off*

judges? randy kind of liked? sorry im still thinking about laser beams. paula i think liked it too? simon confuses me and seems confused himself. i feel his pain.

chris starts to get sassy, then simon gets mean.... i think he called him a teletubby. and then it just gets awkward. obviously, ryan looks like a midget next to chris. i think he just said we’ll be right back with harry potter.

1:33 another “drive” preview. super!

OH! it’s jared cotter! NOT harry potter! i’m soooo silly! i think i already decided i don’t think he’s very interesting.

he opens his mouth and... actually? not bad. not bad at all. and there aren’t any laser beams to distract me. this music is kind of sexy. like in that let’s make out in the closet in 8th grade kind of sexy. oh wait, does making out in the closet in 8th grade make me seem kind of slutty? forget i said that.

ooh, high note. eeeeiii. my dog woke up from her slumber during that moment. aaaiiiiii.

judges? randy didn’t like the ending (yeah dawg) but overall it was aite, paula... i seriously CANNOT look at her and when she speaks i just glaze over, and simon says the tune was "unadventurous."

(apparently he didn’t “do” 8th grade with the likes of me, did he?)

1:38 A to the J tabaldo

opens the mouth... and.... oh wait! he’s poppin his colla’! that distracts me momentarily, but then i realize the song is really boring and even though he can sing, i start getting really excited for the show to end.

ohhhh judges? all i gleaned from the judges comments is simon comparing it to a theme park performance. i love it when he does that.

final song coming up. thank gawd.


1:48 phil stacey. bald & beautiful (?). something about a baby... blahblahblah.


i kind of have a headache at this point.


he opens his mouth and...i fall asleep.


the end.

ps. chris richardson and blake lewis are my flavs.

red bull always wins.

**24 recap**




in this week's episode...

milo “heroically” protects marilyn from his dad’s evil henchmen (which, by the way, are probably the worst. henchmen. ever. henchmen is a funny word. henchmen. henchmen. henchmen.) and actually wasn’t milo doing much of anything as much it was jack showing up just in the nick of time (weird) and saving the day (again). poor, awkward marilyn has to make a tough choice that looks like it might end horribly, until jack offers to be the sacrificial lamb and the sorta worthless josh is safe and free as a result. ps. nice try on trying to escape using the old “soda” excuse. um... yeah.

and! just when you think gramps is gonna put a cap in jack’s ass, he *disappears.* oh! but he does leave a phone with a note to holla at ex-president logan so... there’s that.

in other news morris chooses whiskey over red bull and.. loses. never choose whiskey over red bull, friends. red bull RULES. and, ps, if you’re going to shoot liquor, maybe try one with a less potent scent, such as vodka. mmm. vodka. and also? worst endorsement for altoids ... ever. apparently altoids does NOTHING to cover up whiskey breath, and surprisingly, bad things happen when people smell the liq on yo’ breath. *note to self*

something something happens with chad lowe and tom in a dungeon... which i totally saw coming. what? i did! smarmy is as smarmy does. and lowe? like i said – the SMARMIEST. sucks for the prez, but you know, whatcanyado? i know they have to have these plots involving the president and politics and blahblahblah stuff, but eh.... personally, i’d rather see more of morris getting drunk and making weird googly eyes at a shirtless milo. but that’s just me.

i guess that’s it?

update: still NO RICKER. now it’s just getting MEAN.